Giant Bags, Gods, and Grandparents

Ms and I talked about a lot of practical issues tonight. I’m sure they won’t seem terribly practical in a few months, but they’re big ticket items that we managed to check off the list–for now–over the course of a few hours. Gosh it was productive. Giant Bags We talked about tiny people in giant cars with tiny babies and giant baby bags. Ms mentioned she needed to find a good baby bag. I, naturally, started singing the baby-back ribs song. She didn’t stab me. A good sign for our marriage. I looked at her sincerely and said, “Honey, are we going to be those tiny people who hop out of giant SUVs with tiny babies and huge bags?” It was a leading question. Happily, she said no. I mean, there’s a certain amount of overhead when managing a helpless mammal. They crap at inopportune moments, feed at weird and unexpected hours, make a lot of noise if they don’t get a pa-pa. It’s not entirely unlike trying to wrangle a very, very drunk college student. We’ve all been there, right? “Come inside.” “No!” “Come on, man, just come inside.” “I’m hungry! I want … OH MAN I WANT GRITS!” “You can’t have grits. Just … *sigh* … come inside, ok?” Et cetera. I expect this will be among the first pre-baby pledges to fall victim to the unflinching reality of having a child in a consumerist society. Why can’t we just wipe the creature off with restaurant napkins? And then wrap it (still “it” at this point) in another restaurant napkin? Surely that makes sense right? No. There will be a bag with diapers and formula and who knows what sorts of satanic incantation paraphernalia. Gods That brings us, conveniently, to the issue of religion. The Ms and I are not strongly religious people. I studied theology, and I can have a good ontological debate with only minimal provocation, but my spirituality tends towards Buddhism. I was raised Episcopalian, and I still dig Jesus’ style, but faith is not something that comes naturally to me. I want data. And the data are pretty sparse on this issue. I’d be totally cool with Jesus coming down and offering a restatement and clarification of Matthew 25, since we seem to have gotten a bit off aim from that. But with all the suffering in the world, with the increasing likelihood that our offspring will, as previously noted, be forced to become acquainted with the best ways to cook and serve a neighbor after civilization breaks down, I’m left to wonder why the omnipotent God couldn’t have been just a titch more specific regarding the nature and extent of our obligations to do unto others as we would have done unto us. And, really, that statement of the Golden Rule is a bit selfish, isn’t it? Is that really what we want to teach our child? Why not simplify matters? “Kid,” I say, “don’t be a dick.” “Why daddy?” “Because, don’t be a dick.” Leaving the loophole in there of treating others as you want to be treated just creates a situation where our kid could be a masochist, and we should really identify that right away, because the kid can build whatever life it wants, but, really, don’t let that crap leak out into how you treat others. Be nice. Be loving. Say please and thank you. Always be aware that some people may try to take advantage of your...