The Hidden Truth

I ditched work today.

I woke up, felt like Courtney Love, rolled over, prayed not to barf, and hit snooze.

When I finally felt human enough to sit up, I did what any overachieving woman who, up until about 22 months ago (and more recently 8 weeks ago), only has her work: I checked my email on my phone.

All of my meetings had been cancelled during the night. It was like the Preggers Fairy came and made all the bad things go away.

I took it as a sign from the Universe to take a day off.

I haven’t taken a day off yet. In the last 8 weeks (which is so weird because I’ve only been renting space for 6 weeks, but don’t get me started on that) I have gone to Vegas and worked non-stop for 6 days, worked my normal works weeks (which averages about 45-50 hours), taught a graduate class at the University of South Florida, and did laundry. I haven’t had a whole lot of down time.

So today I slept. I ate some yogurt. I cleaned the house with non-toxic cleansers.  I spent quality time with the animals. I tried to figure out, once and for all what a “belly band” is and why the internets says I have to have one!  I also stared at myself in the mirror a lot.  A lot.

It turns out my body is like CRAZY EXCITED to be pregnant. Just shouting it from the rooftops excited – because I’m showing. No two ways around it, I’m… round. It’s more than just my boobs (which are the fluffiest sweater bunnies you have ever seen), my tummy is totally gonna get in on this sweet pregnant action.  Not gonna miss a minute.  It’s like my abdomen is all, “Hell yes girl, let’s get it out there!”

Which of course puts me in a terrible quandary and alludes to Mr. Forty’s last post. I have to hide this pregnancy for a few more weeks, at least. Why? Because society says you should keep this to yourself in the case of, Universe forbid, something bad happening, we need to keep that grief to ourselves.  Which really is just bullshit. Oh, and if you want another layer of stressful bullshit – do NOT check the internets for advice or thoughts on when it is a good time to break the news at your workplace. I don’t know where some of these women work, or if the situations I read about were/are the aftermath of downsizing in the economic downturn but sweet merciful Mary some of the stories left me wondering if I should just play it cool, wear lots of baggy sweatshirts (executive sweatshirts) and then just give birth during my allotted two weeks vacation.  Just horror stories of all make and manner.

I’m not sure how my work will react. I have a pseudo-government job, so I know that I will be treated fairly and by-the-book. I know that I can (and will) take full advantage of the FMLA, and wonder why it’s still the shortest leave in all developed nations (thanks old white guys in DC!). I know my boss is confident in my work and certainly wants to keep me around. I know that my leadership style with my team is *almost* annoyingly “family first” – to the degree that I am the boss that walks around at 5 or 5:30 asking “Is that really important? Go home to your kids.”  So between the satisfaction my boss has with my work and the loyalty I have with my team, I think we’ll all fare pretty well.  I’m also no idiot, when I had the chance I hired people waaaay smarter than me.  I mean I work with some smart talented people. They keep me on my toes. That’s how I like to lead. When I’m gone with the Critter, I am not one bit worried that they will sufficiently rock the Casbah in my absence. But that said, they’re not me, so I’m confident that they will all be more than happy to welcome me back after my 12 weeks is up.

All that thought out and stated above, it still doesn’t stop me from googling “Best clothes to hide pregnancy.”

The thing is, I really wish I didn’t have to hide my bump. I’m rather proud of it thank-you-very-much. And it’s cute. And fascinating. Mr. Forty is right, it’s biology, but I’m still fascinated when the symptoms in the book appear. Tonight I stood transfixed in the mirror at the veins that are beginning to surface on my breasts and belly. Delicate blue streams transiting my body.  They weren’t there yesterday, at least I don’t think they were, but they are there today, adding to the ongoing construction site that is this baby house.  It’s fascinating and awe-inspiring and with hormones it can make me just a teensy weensy bit weepy.

What do I want to do when I go back to work tomorrow?  I want to wear my leggings, a cute sweater and let the countdown begin.

What will I do when I go back to work tomorrow? I have a layered shirt and cardigan option with a scarf. Because that’s what we’re gonna do… for now.

For now.