I should know

I’ve been seeing something a lot recently. Ms will say something – for example, a sternly-worded rejection of an idiotic YouTube video that’s been going around involving white people rapping badly in pajamas (I won’t link to it, because … Jesus, no) – and someone will respond that she’s only saying that because she’s pregnant. It’s not always quite that direct, but the conclusion is inescapable.

Let me see if I can pick through this.

I’ve known my wife for 20+ years. I’ve heard her moods, seen her triggers, listened to what makes her angry, and the Ms I grew up with and married is the Ms who is nuzzled up to her pillows in the bedroom right now. Her essential character hasn’t changed, her reactions to things (largely) haven’t changed, her sense of humor is the same. Everything about her is the same as I’ve always known, with a very few exceptions.

She has, on maybe two or three occasions in my presence, had an emotional reaction to a stimulus that I would not have otherwise expected (think tears when a feelgood news story comes on, or something along those lines). She has identified rapidly changing hormones as the cause, but I should really be clearer on the point: she hasn’t done anything out of character or weird, just not the response I was expecting. All well within Ms’ established range of responses to stimuli – enough so that it’s difficult for me to think of specific examples here, just remembering my own mild surprise.

On another two or three occasions, Ms has spoken to me more sternly than I would have expected because I needed to be doing more. I’m perfectly ok with that. I mean, we’re doing this in sort of pro mode: we’re still learning our way around each other as cohabitators, and now Ms is going through substantial physical changes that leave her quick to tire, so I’m having to make my own adjustments. Sometimes I miss the mark. I feel bad about it, because I want to do everything I can to make this process as easy for Ms as possible without treating her like an invalid, but it’s nothing that’s caused me to feel wronged or unjustly accused or any nonsense like that. My pregnant wife needs me to do more sometimes, I’m trying, and sometimes I don’t do enough. Maybe Ms will chime in about this, but I don’t feel like it’s an epidemic of failure or anything, heh, but I do feel like it’s justified and gentle correction during a time when both of us are going through behavior adaptations.

It’s also worth pointing out that, as with the first example, I can’t really think of a specific occurrence because nothing wedged in my memory out of either shock or anger. After considering it for maybe one one hundredth of a second, my reaction was “Oh, ok, right, of course.”

My pregnant wife is essentially the same person my non-pregnant wife was. Full stop.

There are differences, but they’re subtle. The best example is one I told her about this weekend. Ms goes to sleep earlier than I do (I mean, my current insomnia troubles notwithstanding, I’m a night owl by nature, and Ms is not). Before she became pregnant, she’d come home and gradually wind down, almost imperceptibly cleansing herself of the day’s stresses before falling asleep on the couch. Now she’s much more consistently awake until the light suddenly goes out and she’s snorfling on the couch mid-movie (sometimes that’s literal: she’s fine, then I turn a light out and she goes bye bye).

I told her it was probably an evolutionary adaptation to keep her ready to escape a cheetah attack until reaching a safe place.

She’s definitely more weary than she was … but come on. She’s growing a human being. And she’s had nonstop madness at work. And we hosted Thanksgiving, will have family at our house for Christmas for the first time, and will be hosting people on New Years Day. Don’t you think it’s reasonable that she might be a bit frayed? Under the circumstances – and forget the pregnancy! – I’m amazed she’s holding up as well as she is!

So, let’s go back to people saying she’s only saying or doing x because she’s pregnant and examine the assertion in light of data. She’s growing life, enduring a flood of chemical and physical changes, and keeping up her day job. In hindsight, moments that have surprised me, as few as they have been, make perfect sense.

Speaking more generally, maybe a woman going through a pregnancy is nervous or stressed. Maybe we partners aren’t adjusting as quickly as we need to to new expectations and responsibilities (and, really, I expect this will seem like child’s play compared to what’s coming our way in a few months, pardon the pun). Maybe the ad on TV really is sweet.

Point being, my wife is still my wife. I don’t feel like I’m sharing our house with a strange animal. And I should know. Blaming – and that’s the right word – her or pregnant women in general for this or that unexpected response isn’t just weird. It’s self-evidently wrong.

That’s not to say there aren’t changes. My god there are changes all over the place. But they have nothing to do with who she is or how she responds to stimuli. Her responses are just as rational as they were before, and that includes responses that aren’t particularly rational, because humans are emotional animals.

I guess I’ll sign off with a request for all the partners out there: don’t be afraid to take some responsibility for the things that surprise you, particularly when they’re about you. Pregnancy involves significant changes in obligations and duties, much bigger than any attempt at self-awareness of what you could be doing differently to help.

It’s what you should be doing for your partner anyway.

One Response to “I should know”

1. MsForty says:

   December 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm

   I’m just going to second everything you said darling. I find that, in general, I am now a pregnant woman first, and whatever else I need to be second. I used to have interesting conversations with people, now they just ask me questions about being pregnant.

   It’s getting very redundant and dull. I’m still me, I’m just me in a slightly bigger pair of pants. I really don’t see any difference. Except everything is funnier. Which is interesting. I find most things a lot more humorous than I used to.

   I can only think that it’s a good thing.

   Reply