Naming a Human
Though paraphrased and occasionally reordered and cut to remove the (believe it or not) extraneous bits, this is a more or less faithful representation of dinner conversation tonight:
“Bartholomew?”
“We can’t name him Bartholomew. Isaac?”
“That’s the cat’s name.”
“Oh.”
“Augustus?”
“I like Augustus.”
“Octavian?”
“Not really.”
“Flavius?”
“…”
“I’m looking at a list of Roman emperors. Sirius?”
“No, I already though through all the Harry Potter characters.”
“Paul? No, St. Paul was an asshole. Um.”
“Breadstick?”
“Oooh, I like that. Six Pack?”
“Is that hyphenated?”
“I don’t know. Look, let’s just scrap the whole surname thing and —”
“Madonna.”
“No, it’–”
“Bono.”
“I–”
“The baby formerly known as Critter.”
“What about some good German names? Hans.”
“Adolf.”
“Stop that. *pause* Hirohito.”
“Anakin.”
“Obi Wa… Ben? Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time … a long time.”
“Benjamin?”
“Wilson?”
“I already did all the presidents.”
“Carter?”
“Ooh, I like Carter, actually.”
“My Republican friends would shit their pants.”
“Maybe we could try to inoculate the baby against being a conservative by naming him Reagan.”
“No.”
“Why are boy names so boring? What’s the most masculine flower you can think of?”
“I dunno. Dogwood?”
“A dogwood is a tree, not a flower.”
“A dogwood is a tree and a flower.”
“We can’t name the baby Dogwood.”
“I think a Magnolia is a manly flower. Hearty leaves and petals. But you couldn’t name a boy Magnolia.”
“I think we’re getting off track here.”
“Getting?”
“Spatula.”
“Kumquat.”
“Ruprecht.”
“Kieran.”
“No, everydamnbody is naming their kids with Irish names now.”
“Who was the nicest Gospel writer?”
“Luke.”
“Anakin.”
“We already said that.”
“Kanye.”
“Tupac.”
“Biggie.”
“YES.”
Welcome to the world, Biggie Bird Shit. We love you very much.
I just can’t with you too. I LOVE THIS BLOG! I really just want to move to Florida and install TV cameras in your home and work places. Why shouldn’t all of America get to experience this Wednesday nights at 8:00 (7:00 central)?
I am all in, you guys. All in.